Creep rose up on shaky legs, body covered in the gore of The Nail, berserker mindset already falling away again. The boy was rising up once more within him. Concetta walked over to him, approaching slowly and watching his every move. One deep breath was all that Creep could take in. Then he collapsed back to his knees in the middle of the remains of The Nail, making a sickening squish as he did so.
He shook all over, body convulsing and breaking out into a cold sweat. Concetta reached out to touch him, but he fell over on one side with a little whimper, like that of a hurt dog, and lay there in all the blood.
“How?” Concetta asked. “How can the whelp that was here for three months sniveling like a babe be the same person that did this?”
All that she received in response was a slight cough and a slight spasm from Creep. His mind was occupied with other things now. The blood, all of the blood, a great puddle spread out on the floor. All because of him. He had stormed in, he had fought The Nail, and he had reduced her to this with his bare hands. Would it ever stop?
Concetta hurried to the door and leaned out into the hall. “Proskannaeo! Get some water and towels in here now! Have Boll bring some buckets too!”
But what could would that do, Creep asked himself. There was so much blood, too much to clean up.
Concetta came back over to Creep. She tugged at his arm, trying to pull him to his feet.
“Quit your blathering,” she said. “You kill someone, you need to be able to live with it.”
“But, all of the blood,” Creep finally said.
“Yes, there’s a lot of blood,” Concetta replied. “That happens when you take off half a body’s face using your fists.”
Creep allowed Concetta to pull him to his feet. Standing was hard; his legs seemed to be made of both pudding and of marble, both impossible to move and yet all too prone to collapsing. Putting his arm over her shoulders Concetta led him over to the bed and sat him down. She stood in front of him, her arms crossed and her tail flicking in earnest.
“You’re going to tell me what’s up,” Concetta said. Creep shook his head, this wasn’t the time for explanations. Concetta raked him across the cheek with her claws. He fell back and cried out in pain. Without flinching she took him by the shirt collar and sat him back up again.
“Tell me,” she said, her eyes burning into him.
Two enchanted, a Nereid with blue tinted skin and an Anubite with a jackal’s head, came into the room with towels and buckets of water. Concetta whirled on them.
“Get out,” she said with a snarl. They put down the buckets and towels and left as fast as they could. Concetta turned back to Creep. A ghastly expression was on his face. She shook him until he looked up at her.
“I won’t harbor someone who’ll snap on me,” she said. “No matter how harmless they look.”
“I won’t hurt you,” Creep said.
“How do I know that?” Concetta demanded.
“Have you ever traveled from one world to another?” Creep asked.
“What?” Concetta asked. “No, I’ve no need of Gatekeepers. Why is this important?”
“Because if you haven’t, there’s no need to kill you.”
“So you kill customers of Gatekeepers?”
“I kill those who killed first,” Creep said. “You have not been away from here, you did not kill. But some did. And I will kill them.”
Concetta paused. “You’re not from the City?”
Creep shook his head. “I’m from whatever world it is your city travels to.”
Concetta turned away, her tail flicking ever faster now. It didn’t matter to Creep. What would be known would be known if it was what fate had designed. And yet while he lived by it, he did not trust that same fate that had brought him here to an uncertain campaign.
“You’re here for revenge?” Concetta asked. Creep nodded, his hands shaking and clammy.
Concetta sighed and walked across the room towards the door. Creep began to calm down. He swallowed the lump in his throat as Concetta locked the door, sealing them both in the room. She walked over to the towels that the two enchanted had left in the room and grabbed one. Creep watched her as she strode back to him, taking off her shirt as she walked. Remembering modesty he looked away, but Concetta came up to him and turned his head back to her. He tried to resist, but she would not allow him.
“You’re a mess,” she said as she began to wipe off the blood. He didn’t know what she was doing. Adolescent hormones surged through him and told him to do one thing, while his mind told him to do another. Concetta kept after him, cleaning off the remains of his deed. Then, she let the blood-stained towel fall to the floor.
Creep tried to get up, but Concetta pushed him back down to the bed. She pushed him back on it and climbed on after him, straddling him and stroking his face. There was resistance on his part, but she ignored it and began to kiss him, licking his lips with her rough tongue. Creep pulled away, tried to get some space between the two of them. Yet Concetta held him close.
“You need this,” she said, reaching a hand down to undo the button on his pants. “Believe it or not, you need it. You can’t survive all this killing without it.”
Creep wanted to protest this, wanted to say that he could go on without committing this act. And yet, he knew that he could not. If he was going to fall apart like this every time he killed, then the vengeance he so desired would go unfulfilled. So, in the end, he gave up and let Concetta do what she wanted.
So, amid the perfume and the blood, Concetta undressed Creep, in more ways than one. She took him: body, heart, and soul.
Thus ends Act 1 of the story of Creep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hahaha, Clo said "swimmingly." Hahaha...
*clears throat*
Connie! ^_^ Here's chapter 5's review as I've promised.
Overall
The others touched this point: The sex scene seemed to abrupt. So.
Concetta's character is questionable here. She seemed like a stubborn whore before, but now she's some sensitive caring person now. I'm not very fond of her now. I mentioned this briefly inside the attachment, but she turned into his sister in some of her quotes. I think she should be more inquisitive and demanding. She has authority in the whorehouse, so she probably isn't used to people not answering her questions straight up--probably sick of people dodging the question.
I know she's a whore too, but the last quote... the... *searches*
Doesn't make sense to me whatsoever. He made it this far. Couldn't he go a little further? I'm not a guy/whore, but I just don't understand this at all. It through me for a loop. I actually rolled me eyes. xD
Creep is a total wreck through this whole chapter. If I remember correctly, wasn't he glad to have his gun back despite how foreign it was? Three months is a long time--sure--but I thought he was glad to have fought again. Maybe I'm mistaken--those finals might have gotten to my head. >_< But his whole "I'm scared and useless and help me I'm emo" thing bothered me. I hope he's better in the next couple chapters. This is probably why Concetta's character was thrown off a bit.
That's all I can think of at the moment. Here's the attachment, and I hope it helps you. Questions, you know how to find me. Blah blah blah...
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Connnnieeeee. I'm not going to give you a line-by-line here, since you've got some awesome people doing that already. I'm going to give you the Kylan approach and just give you some overall comments.
Okay, these comments are going to come from impatience and the instant satisfaction that is commanded by me as a young American. I feel like a lot of major answers are going, well, unanswered. This chapter mainly made me wonder, WHY does he transform from boy to man like that? What inspires him to be brave and homicidal during certain instances, and why is it that he immediately returns to be the seventeen year old he is? Mainly, the big question I at least want hints to is why is it that he, in particular, is murdering.
The conversion isn't a bad thing. I actually absolutely love the fact that he's a blind murdering creature one second, and then curling up for what he did the next. I just would like to know why. Since this is still the near-beginning of the story, really, I don't demand a full description of why, but at least a vague hint would be nice, so I can begin speculating and pondering on what is up with Creep. But you don't really have that, so I have nothing to real build off of in forming theories. He's killing Gatekeepers, but why does he feel he must take this responsibility upon himself? I mean, this is a very heavy responsibility, and he obviously is having a hard time coping with it. So why?
/impatient rambling.
Anyway, the story is going along swimmingly. I just feel like some hints should have been dropped some time around the huge murder scene at the beginning.
And! He sort of doesn't answer her question properly. When he says he only kills the Gatekeepers, he doesn't account for the slaughtering of Nail he just did. He unleashed a lot of violence onto her, and if I were Concetta, I would be asking where it comes from.
I am pretty hooked on this story.
~ Clooo
Conrad -
Again, you've given us a very solid chapter. Nothing much I could pick out, because, as Jiggity says, all Creep really does is fall to his knees and has sex with Concetta. The only problem I have is the realism of the scene. How would Creep have the energy to engage Concetta if he was just practically capped by a vampire? I dunno. I would venture a guess that Creep wouldn't even have the strength to stay conscious, let alone stay aroused.
Also, the suddenness of the sex scene is kind of iffy too. I felt like you sprang Creep's motivation on us and then you sprang some steaminess on us as icing on the cake. There was no subtlety or buildup. But I guess in a whorehouse there doesn't need to be any...
Think about delaying this interaction, is all I'm saying.
But regardless, a nice chapter.
-Kylan
Allo, allo!
Unless your readers suffer from Alzheimer's, it's unlikely that they'll forget so soon whose gore it is. Moreover, it just reads awkwardly.
.
Tell me, what possible use does it have? How does it affect the sentence? It tells us that the next action follows the last...which is obvious! And thus, redundant. Besides its a classic case of telling, not showing. Without it, you show us the next movement. I want to stab it! Ugh.
If you want the sentences to connect try something like -- "One deep breath was all Creep could take before he collapsed to his knees with a sickening squish, deep in the remains of the vampire."
How do you like that? Remarkably, I didn't need to use the word 'then'.
As shown, scratch 'that of'
Repetition of slight is unnecessary. Make of it one action.
had, had, had! Just one will do. The first, if'n you please. Keep it simple and it shall flow.
You get props for coming up with that. Cool name
what could would should, huh? XD
No need for the second 'over.'
.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence but for some reason I didn't think she had actually hurt him? It comes off - due in part to her soft, somewhat bewildered demeanour before this - like an affectionate cuff. Which might sound weird. I suggest 'slashing' for effect.
The repetition of both 'door' and 'room' annoyed me. I think it reads better as the above.
I let the one above this slide. Not sure why - in some, exceptional cases, it seems to fit. Or maybe I was just sick about harping on over it, but this one can go.
Repetition of 'So' - too close together. Variation is good.
*
I don't think this really stands on its own, it feels like an epilogue to Chapter Four and would probably read better if it was attached to it. That way it all blurs together in a heady mix of sex, blood, and action, which is preferable to this...almost detachment.
Hm.
In any case, not much happened here - he falls to his knees - and they have sex. It has a huge impact on a personal level, I get that, and you vaguely hint at his purpose but its frustrating in its incompleteness. It's been 5 chapters already; we should know more than he's out for revenge. Maybe I'm just being impatient though.
Anyway, I enjoyed this.
Good stuff,
Cheers